Drive through.

Okay I’ve come to the conclusion that one of the most time consuming, annoying, suck the patience and tranquility from your soul, like a good vacuum sucks crumbs off of a rug, things is : PULLING UP TO A FAST FOOD DRIVE THROUGH WITH MY MOTHER!
I love my mom. I feel like I should type that right off the bat because of the nature of this blog entry and the height of my annoyance with her when I think about this topic may contort my language and emotions, causing you to think otherwise. Now, with that disclaimer out of the way let me tell you what happened…
I was out in LA. It was a beautiful afternoon. I was driving. My mom and I were coming from church….Okay I have to interrupt myself to insert this: You know that a person or situation has tested you and worked your last nerve when you’re so mad that you’re cursing like a sailor and pissed off to the highest point of ‘pissedivity’, if there is such a thing, after having left church no more than 20 minutes prior!.. Anyway back to what happened. Like I was saying we had just left church and I was feeling great. We were both crazy hungry though because, the church we attend seems like the service starts at 10am on Sunday morning and doesn’t let out until 2 o’clock the following Tuesday! Especially when the old folks choir is singing (which they were) because they make a simple hymn stretch like a tiny rubber band on a fat person’s wrist; and the pastor (bless his heart) can get really animated to say the least. But it’s a predominately Black church; so that’s just how it is and how it has always been. I’m not hating…I’m just saying. Lol…The things that I love about Sunday service at a Black church are also the things that get on my nerves about it some of the time. I wouldn’t trade the experience though…Anyway I’ve gotten off subject, let me get back…So me and my mom were hungry, but we had already started driving. We were on the 405 freeway… I’m not sure if any of you are familiar with this interstate, but bumper to bumper traffic on this particular slab of concrete is a given. The worst part about it is that I, for the life of me can’t figure out why other drivers speed up only to get in front of me and drive two miles per hour. I also hate the jerks who refuse to let me over when all I’m trying to do is get off the damn freeway; it’s like they want me to be stuck in the madness with them. They’re so hell-bent on not letting anyone get in front of them, even tough they're not going anywhere because traffic has been and will continue to move at a snail's pace, that they end up pissing me off enough not to let the next poor driver over. It's a vicious circle and I'm seriously starting to believe that the government hires these bad drivers just to make me mad or late or both; depending on the situation… Anyway we decided to get off the freeway and go to a drive through so that we could get something to eat and get back to the house quickly; fine that’s simple enough, right? WRONG! Because
my mom has no respect for combos! I mean the good people at McDonald’s created the numerically labeled combos for our convenience, not so that we could dissect them until they no longer resemble the original meal!!!
So we’re at the drive through…it took us forever to finally get to the intercom. There were about 5 cars ahead of us; probably being held up by some other indecisive patron who doesn’t respect combos….When we FINALLY got our turn, the employee says “Hold on!” Straight like that. No “Hi, welcome to McDonalds; can you please hold on a moment.” The heifer just said “Hold on.” And then when she was ready she says: “What you want?” RUDE!!! But anyway…
I said “I’d like a # 7 with a sprite please.” And then I looked over to my mom, asked her what she wanted and she goes “I don’t know yet.” She then proceeded to study the menu. At that point I was like “Oh my God am I being punked?!” I mean there are 2 huge reasons why my mom should have already known what she wanted to order.
#1: It’s freaking McDonalds! Everyone in the free world pretty much knows the menu by heart. It hasn’t changed much in 20 some odd years… Everything on the menu pretty much tastes the same anyway so in hindsight it doesn’t even matter what you order.
#2: There was a long line of cars ahead of us. She had ample time to decide what she wanted before we pulled up.
After a 2 minute time lapse my mom said that she wanted a #5 Sounds simple, right? WRONG! Because she proceeded to make absurd changes to the combo. This is what she said:
“Give me a #5 but can you put it on the bread that the #7 is on? And I want the mayonnaise on the side; no lettuce…Wait I do want lettuce but only a little bit and extra pickles.” Then the employee says something along the lines of
“It doesn’t have pickles on it.” So my mom goes
“Well which combo has pickles on it?”
The rude heifer taking our order says “Hold on.” And then the car directly behind us started honking. That annoyed me but at the same time I couldn’t blame the guy. The lady gets back on the intercom and starts telling us which combos have pickles. My mom listens to all and then she says. “No, I don’t want any of those. Just add Pickles to the order that I already placed.”
I was too through at this point!
The lady starts repeating our order only to have my mom interject with more changes to her combo that is not even a combo anymore; it’s now some personalized monstrosity that includes some of everything on the menu, with extra freaking pickles! …We drive up to the first window. Now keep in mind that this is the window where you’re supposed to pay; you pick up your food at the second window. My mom decides that she wants something else though when we’re at the first window. She wants an apple pie. The pie throws off our total. The lady had to reconfigure and of course tell us to “hold on” yet again. Our total came to $12.82. As I was handing the lady a $20 bill my mom stops me and says “Wait Treasure, I have the 82 cents.”
I really don’t care about giving or getting back exact change at this point. I just want my damn # 7; but my mom insists. It took her exactly 49 seconds to locate the loose change in the bottom of her purse. How do I know it took 49 seconds? Because I counted each scrutinizing second under my breath as I shook my head in utter frustration.
At the second window they gave us our food…I pulled off…Mom looks in the bag
“They didn’t give us enough napkins Treasure.” She exclaimed. “Turn around so I can go in and grab some more.”
I’m thinking “You gotta’ be kidding me.” I said “No, we’ll work it out mom; don’t trip on the napkins. We got to a red light and I asked her to give me some fries. She said
“Oh they must have messed your order up. There’s only one carton of fries in here and those are mine.” Woe is me. All I wanted was a #7.